To Cry a River
by SnowFox3
Summary: He couldn't see, and yet he knew exactly where he was. It was time. Time for him to begin a new life. Time to forget... [Tag to Meridian][Oneshot]


_A/N_

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Stargate. Simple as that.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

_Knowing ones end is to not know their beginning. Knowing death is to forget life, and life to forget death. A cycle, unexplainable and yet full of intensity that can be understood by the lowest of life forms. The end and the beginning are not to be altered. They exist to remain the same as everything else shrivels and dies. They exist to remain where nothing else does._

_A river never begins, and never ends. It ebbs; it flows, waiting for occupation. It does not need company, but desires life. It is the bringer of life, and the bringer of death. It moves slowly, and moves quickly. It can be dark and it can be bright. It never dies, but never lives. It is nothing and yet it is everything. How is that possible? It is the essence of nature- all of the possible paths with all the possible ends. But does nature truly exist?_

_SnowFox3_

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

He looked at Jack, eyes watery. "I'm gonna miss you guys," he said softly, yet with an air of realism.

"Yeah," Jack said, "you too."

"Thank you," he stated, "for everything."

There was an awkward pause. There was nothing you could say to this, and both of them knew it. He glanced at Jack anyway, hoping. There had to be something else. It couldn't be the end. It just couldn't.

Jack said nothing. Giving up, he turned around, looking into a blinding blue- the key to his gain, and to his loss.

Then Jack spoke. "So, what? See you around?"

He smiled weakly. Trust Jack to say that. Although he could tell what Jack was trying to say- _Will I ever see you again?_

"I don't know," he said. _I hope so_. Truly accepting the finality, he turned, walking up the ramp towards the light. Just before he stepped through, Jack spoke again.

"Hey," Jack called, "Where are you going?"

This time, he had no reply. He glanced back, seeing the once blank face, now filled with silent acceptance, staring at him. _Oh, Jack. Please be okay._ "I don't know," he replied, realising that Jack had needed to know. _You can't follow me, wherever I'm going._

He turned back once more, ready for the last step. Although excited at the prospect of a new chance, a new beginning, he would probably not be able to see those he cared about. Not like he currently was, anyway. He was going, far away, and chances were, they'd never get to say a proper goodbye.

_Bye Jack._ He could sense Jack behind him, dark brown eyes burning holes in his back, but he didn't stop or slow. It was now, or never.

As he entered the fake event horizon, he heard the whisper of a voice, or voices. It was one voice, and yet sounded like everyone he knew. It echoed around in his head.

"_Don't forget the river's beginning."_

Daniel took the plunge. He ascended.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Who was he? Where was he? He was drifting. He tried to draw breath, but was unable. He couldn't; he had no face. He tried to find the rest of his body, but there was nothing to look for. He was nothing. And yet he was there. He tried to open non-existent eyes, but couldn't. He would have been alarmed, if he hadn't forgotten how to be.

He should've been scared, and yet he wasn't. He wasn't afraid. He wasn't excited. He didn't have any emotion, and he didn't know how he knew that. He didn't have ears, and yet he could hear perfectly. He didn't have eyes, and yet he could see. So how could he live? The last thing he remembered…

_A faceless voice._ And before that… Jack. Suddenly, it all came back, in a rush that would have made him dizzy under normal circumstances. But this wasn't normal circumstances, and so he wasn't dizzy.

Now he would have been excited. He would've if he had any emotions. But he didn't. He couldn't even describe himself. He wasn't calm. He was the exact opposite of calm. And yet he wasn't angry. He wasn't hyper. He just _was_. He just _existed_, pure and simple. And that would have amazed him. But there was something that would have amazed him more.

He could remember everything. He could remember everything in detail. More detail than he had ever before. He could remember everything to the tiniest detail, and that astounded him. Well, would've astounded his previous self.

Everything he had seen in his life, he was there _now_. Everything. It was incredible. Awe-inspiring, if he could still be in awe. And the amount of everything that he could understand was more than any human could even imagine. To think he was one of the top brains in his area of expertise. He was beginning to realise that nothing had prepared him for ascension, and was suddenly grateful- would have been grateful- to Oma for at least preparing him for preparation. Or at least, for giving him the knowledge that he had to choose his path himself. _His path…_

And that thought broke him out of his musing. _Where_ was he? He tried to look around with no eyes, and saw Jack staring at nothing, just outside an elevator.

_Jack!_ He tried to call out, but already he couldn't distinguish between his thoughts and his voice. As far as he was aware, he had no mouth. But he didn't care. Jack was, _still was_, his friend. And Jack was right there! _Jack! I'm over here! Look! Jack!_

Jack didn't reply. He just kept staring, and idly, Daniel wondered why Jack had maintained that position for such a long time. _Jack! Look at me! Please!_

With desperation, seeing Jack turn around, he tried to run to him, calling out all the while. _Jack! Can't you hear me? Can't you see me?_

He caught up to Jack far quicker than he expected, and kept going. _Jack!_ He couldn't stop! Why couldn't he stop? _Jack! Help me! _

He sailed, or drifted past Jack, into the elevator. _Sam! Teal'c! I'm here! I'm right here! Please…Help…Listen… _

Sam began to pivot. _Faster, Sam! I'm here! Move faster! Help me! _But it was too late. He sailed…_drifted_ past the walls, and through to the other side.

The other side was a blinding white colour with no walls and no end. Well, it should have been a blinding white. Instead, he just knew it would have been a blinding white. Everything about him had changed.

And there was another bright flash of light. Oma appeared. She was just another white shape, but he could tell that it was Oma. He didn't know how. Maybe this ascension thing gave people extra sensory abilities.

Oma spoke, in the same faceless voice he had heard before, only this time, he could only hear Oma. "Daniel."

"Oma." Seemingly accepting the greeting, Oma assumed what Daniel thought was a comfortable position.

"There is something I must tell you," Oma began, but Daniel cut her off.

"I need to thank you for helping me. I don't know where I am, or _how_ I am, but thank you." Oma inclined her non-existent head in acknowledgement. _Boy, that's gonna take some getting used to. How do I even know that she's nodding her head? _

"There is one rule here. You must not interfere with any being that is not ascended," Oma stated, sounding strangely calm. Or not calm. With a start, he realised just why Oma had seemed so _majestic_ when they had first met. She hadn't had any emotions, and yet spoke with all emotions. Was that how he was now? Was he like that now?

Shifting his way back out of his thoughts, he replied to Oma. "Okay. No interference." Maybe, once upon a time, Daniel would have questioned that rule. But not anymore; he had made his choice.

Oma smiled, or Daniel thought she did, and turned to leave. "Wait!" Daniel exclaimed. "I want to know something."

"If I can be of assistance," Oma said, in that frightfully emotive voice.

"W-When I first ascended I was right above a particular room. But when I became aware that I had ascended, time had passed or something. I don't know. But something had changed. I-It was weird. Can you explain it?"

Oma tilted her head to the side. "Remember Daniel, you are now, by all definition, immortal. You do not have the same sense of passing time that you once did. Time for you, now, can become faster than everyone else, and slower than everyone else."

If he still had eyebrows, they would have gone down in confusion. "How…how do I control it?"

Oma smiled. "No one can tell you that but yourself."

Now he would once have been frustrated. Instead though, he spoke with the same calmness that Oma did, which did not fit the words he chose. "That doesn't help. My friends could die while I'm having this little chat with you!"

"You have chosen a new path now."

Daniel shook his head. "Are you saying that I should forget about them?"

"The pebbles by the river may be small, but they are all the river has for company."

Daniel, the previous Daniel, would have groaned in frustration. "I don't know what that means!" he said, utterly annoyed and utterly baffled. Well, without being annoyed and baffled. How was that even possible, anyway?

Oma smiled again, and vanished. Daniel knew he would have screamed of frustration if he had remembered how. As it was, he was just astounded at thinking that thought. _If he had remembered how to be frustrated_. Huh. That was weird. This whole ascension thing was going to take some getting used to, for sure.

And as if to irritate his problems further, he had no idea where he was. He was still in the white room, wherever that was. How was he supposed to get out? An idea sprang to mind, and he didn't dismiss it as easily as he once would have. He closed his eyes, picturing himself next to Sam.

Then he opened one eye. He saw Sam, Teal'c and Jack sifting through the stuff in his room, randomly throwing objects into a box lying in front of the door. _Wait! Guys don't throw that stuff out! It's valuable!_ In his mind he could picture just what Jack would say in return to that. _Danny, it's a rock!_ Or _Danny, it's just thin pieces of wood that have been scratched on! _

And he suddenly forgot about the rocks and ornaments and books that they were tossing into the box. _He had gotten out of the white place._ He had made it out! By thinking, no less. He snorted. The mind did do wonders.

He had a sudden epiphany. That's all that was left of him. His mind! That would explain why he could think, and sense, and why he had no body. But if the mind could do that...

Daniel closed his eyes again, this time picturing himself in a white jumper and pants. He opened an eye. A real eye! He had an eye! He opened both eyes as wide as they could go. He was still in his old room. But there was nobody there. And the box was gone.

With a groan that he actually heard he realised what must have happened. Had time passed more quickly again? Did time pass more quickly when he was thinking? Or was it just passing quicker in general?

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

It had been, now, to him, about a week since he had ascended. He hadn't figured out anything else different. He had been drifting, visiting all the places he had been, and had started from Abydos.

Skaara was fine. More than fine. When Daniel had seen Skaara, he had been with another Abydonian, sleeping. That person had been female, and Daniel had realised with another imaginary grin that _Skaara had a girlfriend!_

Although he enjoyed that visit, he went to Stargate Command more often. He had seen, on a couple of occasions, Sam crying in the corner, for him. Surprisingly, that didn't make him feel guilty, and he didn't reveal himself.

But as the days went by, he had less and less of a desire to visit his old teammates. It was like he couldn't find an urge to see them. Almost like he could forget about them. Until he got what sounded like a plea for help.

_Get me the hell outta here!_

He grinned with his imaginary mouth. That was Jack, it had to be. But then he listened to the echoing words again. _Get me the hell outta here!_

It sounded desperate. There was something wrong. Daniel closed his eyes, and imagined himself next to Jack. He opened his eyes, one first then the other, as had become a habit. The first thing he noticed was the smell of rot or something like that. His senses were probably slow from lack of use. He was standing in a cell that seemed to defy the laws of gravity. A pale brown colour outlined the walls, and there was no window in sight. He turned his head to the left, and noticed Jack straightaway.

Daniel sat down with a _thump_ that was probably heard by only his ears. Knowing he had to find out whether Jack was okay, but dreading the conversation, he spoke for the first time in seven days. "Hi, Jack."

Jack almost jumped. Almost. Daniel watched as the figure turned around, setting his eyes on the man in the white jumper who was sharing his cell. Daniel waved to him.

Jack had a brief look of shock on his face, before he covered it up with confusion. "Daniel?"

_Yep. It's me Jack._ "I leave... and look at the mess you get yourself into."

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Not long had passed since Daniel had first found Jack and his current accommodation. To Daniel it had seemed like ages; because he had gotten used to time going much faster. It was unusual to feel it going by so slowly.

But Daniel currently had no extra time to think about such trivial matters. "Nobody knows you're here," out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Jack mouth _'What!'_ Regardless, Daniel continued, "Even if they did, they'd never be able to pull off a rescue because this place is a fortress." For some reason, that statement didn't affect Daniel as much as he though it would.

Relentless, he kept talking. "Ba'al is just going to keep torturing you to death and reviving you in a sarcophagus until... he finds out what he wants, which is impossible because you don't know anything... or until you're not worth reviving anymore. But you'll cease to be the Jack O'Neill we know long before that." Daniel realised with a jolt that he was lying. Daniel couldn't say _we_, because that would be including him. And he didn't even know how he, himself had changed, let alone knowing Jack.

That would have scared the old Daniel, he knew that much. Once upon a time, Jack had been his friend. And Daniel had once been able to predict exactly how Jack was feeling. No more. Now, he barely knew Jack. It was like Jack was just a stranger. An insignificant stranger.

Jack looked up. "Well...apparently I've got a big day tomorrow."

Daniel wasn't listening. He was trying to convince himself that he was wrong. He had to still see Jack as a friend...right? Was he really going to ignore his first true friend? Judge him as insignificant and throw him to the side?

"No, I'm not going to let that happen," Daniel said, not knowing if he was referring to Ba'al or himself, "I won't let him destroy you."

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

It wasn't long after that when Daniel once again felt the awkward rush meaning he would have done something different if he wasn't ascended.

Daniel had returned to Jack's cell, after Jack had once again died and was healed. This time, though, he was confused. Jack was seemingly talking to himself, looking up at the top of the cell, which was also the entrance and exit.

"Jack," he started, "Who are you talking to?"

"The woman," Jack replied quietly.

Daniel followed the path of Jack's eyes. "There's nobody there."

"Look who's talking..."

Daniel decided to abruptly change the subject, noticing the holes in Jack's shirt, and his hand covering some of them. "Does it still hurt?" It was hard to feel sympathy towards Jack; Daniel had lost his emotions. Inner Daniel, the one that was his original self, was probably close to doing something drastic.

"No," Jack said, moving his hand away from his chest.

"Told you I'd come back," Daniel said. Of course, at the time, Daniel hadn't known whether or not to actually come back. He was still arguing with himself. He didn't know who he was anymore.

As if Jack could read his mind, he stated, "If the Daniel Jackson I knew was really here..."

"I am," Daniel lied.

"Then do something." Daniel felt his old inner self rise up, furious for the lack of help towards his friend. He closed his eyes and bowed his head. He couldn't do anything. He _couldn't _interfere. It was a rule. It was_ the _rule. And yet, he didn't have much of a desire to help at all. Considering the circumstances, Daniel thought it was pretty good he was there for support.

"You listen to me," Jack almost shouted. Daniel looked up. "I don't wanna go through that again. If you were really my friend and had the power to stop it, you'd stop it!"

Daniel was about to say '_But I'm not your friend. Not anymore.'_ But something stopped him. The something was a pressure coming from all around, from the outside, and yet from the inside. It was his old self, or some semblance of it, raring to speak.

Daniel spoke, and for the first time since he had been on a _higher plane of existence_, he spoke with emotion. Only one emotion. "The hardest part of being who or _what _I am is having the power to change the things I want to change and knowing that I can't. Even when I'm certain, even when it's... absolutely clear to me, even when it affects the people I care about..."

Daniel faded off as Jack turned his head to the side. And then he realised what he had been going to say. _But I'm not your friend. Not anymore...not your friend...not anymore...not your friend anymore..._

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

After that thought, Daniel couldn't remember what happened. He was in a haze, blurry and unfocused, unable to express what he wanted to express, unable to feel what he wanted to feel. He wasn't _himself_. Ever since he had first ascended, he had noticed something _different_.

So he was trying to find Oma. He closed his eyes, picturing Oma's specific white glow. Then he opened his eyes. Oma was sitting in front of him, in human form. Daniel looked at his hands. They existed. Then he shook. Inner Daniel or whatever parts of the real him that was left, rose. And spoke angrily.

"What's happening to me?" he asked. It seemed he was still incapable of yelling.

"You chose your path," Oma said, not helping Daniel at all.

"But...I'm different. What's going on?"

"The journey-"

"Don't give me that! I want the truth. Tell me what's wrong with me! Why don't I care for my friends anymore? Why don't I care for Jack anymore?"

"_Vos certus muto,"_ Oma replied.

Daniel didn't even notice that she was speaking ancient. "I know I decided to change! It doesn't mean that I should forget my friends!"

"The pebbles by the river may be small, but they are all the river has for company until the river begins to flow."

"You said that last time. What does that mean?" Daniel, the inner one, was furious. He could tell. He could sense the anger as if it was rolling off him.

"_Is est usque vos."_ Oma vanished.

_It is up to you._ That was her reply. _It is up to you. _He had asked what that meant, and she had replied with 'that's up to you'.

Did that mean he could decide what it meant? Or did that mean that it was up to him to figure out what it meant? He suddenly realised that Oma had been speaking ancient, and let a small sliver of pride for his linguistic skill loose.

Wait...

_Jack_. He had forgotten all about Jack. Once again, desperate for Jack's wellbeing, he closed his eyes and envisioned the cell. Instead, he saw Sam when he reopened his eyes. _Sam. It's me, Sam. Wait. What happened?_

Sam and Teal'c, as well as Jonas were on a planet that wasn't Earth. It looked like... the planet that Jack was held on. _They found him._ While once that thought would have given relief off like water on a wave, it didn't have any affect on him.

Daniel closed his eyes again, picturing Jack. And when he opened them he was back in the light brown cell.

Jack must have sensed his presence, because he gave a questioning, "Daniel?"

"I'm here."

"You were gone..." Jack trailed off.

Inner Daniel spoke. "I know, I'm sorry, there was something I had to do, but I'm back now and I promise I'll stay with you until this is over."

Jack looked defeated. "It'll never be over..."

"Jack, you just have to hang in there a little while longer..."

"No... I can't go back in there. If I go back, I swear to God, I'll give Ba'al what he wants, I'll tell him."

"What?"

"That he loved her," Jack whispered.

"Kanan?" _The Tok'ra?_

"He came back for her. He wanted to save her."

"Ba'al doesn't know this..."

"If he finds out, he'll do to her what he's doing to me. Daniel, if you don't end this... I'll tell him," Jack was defeated. And Daniel knew it.

"You won't have to...it's almost over, Jack."

Jack looked at him, brown eyes hinting hope. "How?"

"You were right. There's always a way out... at least there's always a chance. Your journey isn't over Jack, not yet." _Unlike mine._

"What'd you do?"

Inner Daniel felt a flash of guilt. "I didn't do anything...it was, um, Sam and Teal'c and, uh, Jonas too."

"What?"

Daniel smiled. "They thought of something."

Jack jumped to his feet, somehow regaining lost life. "What?"

In the distance, the sound of an explosion reached Daniel's ears, and the lights in the cell began to flicker on and off.

Daniel walked up to Jack. "This is it," he said, "All you ever wanted was a fighting chance, Jack, now you have it. If anyone can make it out of here, you can." It was a silent farewell. _Good luck, Jack. Good bye, again._

Daniel made himself vanish from sight. It was over.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

During the next month of his ascension 'journey', Daniel didn't do much. Not much at all. Once again, he was losing the desire to do anything. He only saw Teal'c once, and that was to keep Teal'c alive when he had lost his symbiote. He hadn't seen Jack, but he didn't want to.

So he had decided to visit Skaara again. And when he had got there, he found out that Anubis was coming to Abydos. And so, naturally, Inner Daniel took hold, and said he would help. He had also offered the help of Stargate Command, Earth.

And so Daniel had gone to Earth, and had spoken to Jack. And Jack and the rest of SG-1 had arrived on Abydos, looking for the Eye of Ra that Anubis wanted to help him become _all-powerful._

They had found it. With Daniel's help, they had found it. But they had lost Skaara. Skaara had died, and ascended. When Jack had told him that Skaara had ascended, he had been shocked. Skaara was going to lose all his emotions, too. Skaara was going to change too. Skaara was going to go through everything that Daniel had gone through after death.

And now, Daniel was on board Anubis' ship, about to stop Anubis from destroying Abydos, the planet where Daniel had gotten married, and lived.

"Stop," Something inside Daniel shouted, taking control. Anubis paused, hand hovering over the red button that would signify the end.

"Stop me, if you can." The voice was taunting, and dimly Daniel wondered how Anubis had remained evil even while ascended.

Then, a _shift_. Daniel blinked, not standing in front of Anubis anymore. He was standing in a room that seemed to shine with all colours, and yet none. Two figures, hazy and almost transparent, emerged from a wall.

"Jack?" Daniel questioned, confused. It was Jack. And the other person was... himself. It was Inner Daniel. "You're..."

Inner Daniel nodded, smiling. Jack grinned as well, sitting down on a seat that had magically appeared behind him.

"Where are we?" Daniel asked.

It was Jack's turn to reply. "I always said your mind was huge."

"He means that you are in your own mind, and we are your subconscious mind," Inner Daniel translated.

"Why...why am I here?" Daniel questioned.

"Why not?" Jack replied.

Once again, it was up to Inner Daniel to explain. "We are here to help you focus so you can destroy Anubis."

Daniel shook his head. "I can't do that."

"Why not?" Jack repeated.

Daniel turned to him. "Because I'm not allowed. You know that."

Inner Daniel ran forward. "Why the hell not?" he said, in a very un-Daniel-like way.

"It's against the rules."

"So?" Inner Daniel screamed. "You never would have done this. You would have helped. And why aren't you now? Because you've lost your emotions."

Daniel gaped. He was right. He had lost his emotions; Daniel had worked that out at the beginning. He had lost part of himself. _He had lost a part of himself_.

Unbidden, words popped into his head. _Don't forget the river's beginning._ Is that what he was doing? Was he forgetting where he started, where he had lived? More words popped into his head. _The pebbles by the river may be small, but they are all the river has for company._ Suddenly, he understood what Oma had been trying to tell him.

He was the river. And as of late, his friends had become nothing but pebbles on the side, small and insignificant. He had lost himself; he was swept away just like a pebble in a strong current. Is that what Oma meant by company?

His emotions were gone. _Gone._ Totally gone. He had lost them, somewhere on the edge of death and ascension. And he wanted them back.

"Help me," Daniel said.

"What?" Jack stated, confused.

"Help me beat Anubis."

The two figures nodded, and began to glow and transform into small spheres. Daniel blinked, again in the real world. He raised his hands. Both started to glow.

"Strike me down. Do it now or I will destroy Abydos," Anubis snarled.

Daniel thrust his hands forward, allowing the glow to exit his hands in a stream of light towards Anubis. And then the light curved. Daniel gaped. Oma was there, stopping him from destroying Anubis once and for all.

"No," Daniel gasped, "Don't do this!"

And then he was gone, back in the white space he had first found Oma. As for Oma, she was sitting on a white chair staring at him.

He lost all pretence of calmness. "Why did you do that?" he yelled. Then he realised he yelled. He _yelled._ He had his emotions back.

"I had to stop you," Oma said.

Daniel calmed. It wasn't Oma's fault. Not really. She hadn't made up that rule. At least Daniel didn't think she did. Instead, he said, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"About yourself?" Oma guessed. "I'm not the person to do that."

"Does everyone lose themselves?" he asked, then kept going. "They do, don't they? Because when you're ascended, everyone becomes the same. They lose what makes them themselves. They lose their emotions, and through that, their personality."

Oma nodded. "I knew you would figure it out. And I have no wish of banishing you. I will give you a choice: stay ascended, and do not talk to anyone on lower planes again; or become what you once were."

Daniel didn't even need to think about it. "Send me back. Back to Earth."

Oma shook her head. "I will send you to another planet, and I will temporarily erase your memory. It will be up to your friends to bring you back."

"I'll become like 'Inner Daniel' was to me, won't I?" Daniel asked.

Oma nodded again. "But you will not be able to interfere."

Daniel was the one that nodded this time.

The last words he whispered as he was fading were: "This river will not abandon the bank."

Daniel vanished.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

_A/N_

_Hi all!_

_I had this annoying muse in the middle of writing another story, and I had to write it. Quite irritating it was. But I think I've written what I wanted to. Anyway, I don't have any plans to write a sequel, but if people want me to then I will. Just, at the moment, this story is completed._

_I hope you understood everything. I had to alter my writing style slightly to allow this story to work._

_Besides that, I hope you enjoyed this story. _

_Please review. It makes me happy. _

_Thankyou!_


End file.
